heart work is hard work

Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me – Imam Al-Ghazali

Confession: Some days, it’s just really hard to be positive. I now understand how some people can fake smiles in front of others while they struggle with themselves deep inside. It was a sudden trigger to me when I came across a 15 secs vid of a little girl saying ‘Is the sun awake? Are you happy?’ Such an innocent words coming from a kid but it caught me off guard.

Because honestly, am I actually happy? Then why do i pause and hesitate to answer. Even worst, why can’t I answer.

Sometimes…. I wonder if I’m a hoax, for saying I am grateful to God and still struggle with the state of my heart. Then an email came from A which includes the above quote by Imam Al-Ghazali, and I breathed slightly easier. Few days later, my best friend P wrote a post on her blog, something about her late night thought process and I shall quote,

“Whatever that seem to work on others, dont work on you. You are left with no choice but to discover a whole new one that allows you to feel alive, to feel worthy of living. Day by day, there seems to be lesser and lesser things to look forward to. You are grateful you wake up but you dont know exactly for what you do.”

Basically she explains life as a system that we wire ourselves to follow, that technically should work for most of us in general. However, not everyone follows through this system accordingly at every stage of life. Some just finds themselves failing at one stage of the system or just failing the system entirely.

We all struggle in our own ways, it’s easy to succumbed in your negative thoughts and blame the system. Let me quote P again, “There is no one to blame, no comparisons to weigh our different ways of living. We are all somehow a product of certain circumstances. But tell me though, do we want to stay living as a product of circumstances or do we want to pursue life as what we want and as what we know we are capable of without all the past decisions that have helped grow us?”

After reading that, I breathed even more easier. Who cares about the system, we shouldn’t have set our minds to be played by it. It’s about time we unfollow the flow.

A reminder to myself that before I get frustrated and complain about anything, remember that I would never fully know what and where Allah has placed goodness in. As we always pray for the best in everything, insha’Allah there is khayr in wherever you may be in life right now.

Heart work is hard work.

The key word is, try and try again.

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To the Gardens beneath which rivers flow

I needed time to process my thoughts, to put feelings into words, to accept and redha. Just a week ago, I saw my beloved grand aunt got buried.

To be reminded of death on the very first month of the new year is just hard for me to phantom but proves a reminder on how God is Great and there is no denying His plans and wisdom behind it all.

My beloved Tok Bu, who helps me get ready for school until I could get ready by myself, the one who would sit and watch TV with me while we joke around on the handsome actor, the one who would never stop praying for my success and that one day I would marry a good man… my beloved Tok Bu ❤

You just don’t see it coming, the death, when it happen so sudden, when the person was not sick for a very long time, when the person was very much herself a few days before, when it just happen because it was meant to happen.

As much as it breaks my heart that she won’t be able to see her prayers being manifested before her eyes, that some day the good man will come into my life, I know that she is now in a better place, which is with you Ya Rabb.

I will always miss hearing her voice, and mostly just sitting next to her… listening and talking to her. May we meet again Tok Bu, in the Gardens beneath which rivers flow… rest well :’)

Oh Allah forgive her and have mercy on her, make honourable her reception and expand her grave, purify her of sin as a white rob is purified of dirt, place her in Your highest level of Jannah. In Your sacred names I pray, Amin.

“There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. So after 30 days or so you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you heard your name being called.”

the room with a beautiful view

Einstein said time is relative.

It doesn’t matter how much our lives are governed by the same seconds, minutes, hours, days, and weeks, regardless of where we live on the globe, time will never be absolute. The rate at which it passes depends entirely on your speed and acceleration at any given moment.

From this simple concept came the idea that the stronger the gravitational pull on a clock, whether it is from a planet or another massive object, the slower time itself would run. It would mean, he predicted, that time would run faster and people would age more quickly the higher they were from the ground.

Basically, the higher you live above sea level, the faster time feels and the faster you age. So I guess that explains how 3 years passed on just like that.

I was blessed to see the view of the sky, the sea and a lil part of the city for the last 3 years. But if we’re measuring it relatively based on Einstein’s theory, it was possibly shorter than the actual 36 months.

If you’ve seen the movie Collateral Beauty, you would know that they explained time as just the terrain in between. You don’t understand time, no one understands time. Einstein was pretty close when he said time is a ‘stubbornly persistent illusion’.

Well I think time is a gift. And for all the time that was given to me.. living to see the beautiful view from my bedroom window every day, I would like to believe that I’ve not wasted the precious gift of time there.

I will miss the beautiful view a lot, there’s always a part of us that wishes we had more time. But I’ll take it as it is.

A memory of that moment in time… in my life.

November 2020 in a draft that was previously not posted, titled: tawakkul

How do you build your Tawakkul / trust in Allah?

By coming to terms with these 4 things:

1) I came to terms with the fact that my sustenance / rizq will not be taken by another person, so I am at peace with that.

2) I came to terms with the fact that my deeds / amal will not be done by anyone else, so I’m keeping myself busy with those deeds, and I am at peace with that.

3) I learned that death is racing towards me, so I am hastening to prepare for it actively instead.

4) And I learned that I cannot escape from Allah’s sight, and so I remain shy of Him

in His own timing

I kept you in silent whispers in hopes Allah will send my messages to you, in hopes that you’ll be fine. Maybe you got lost along the way just like I did and maybe one day we’ll find each other.

When you save yourself for the one meant for you. And what’s even more beautiful? When he saves himself for you too.

what are you waiting for

The true essence of patience.

I am very much aware of how impatient I can be. Waiting was never my forte. I never realised this until Allah tested me. I use to instantly get what I prayed for to a point that I forgot to be grateful.

Now that I reflect upon it, I understand what Allah is teaching me. I’m glad to still continue praying for what my heart yearns though it could get tough when you somehow do not see it manifesting. It’s almost scary because you don’t want to loose that tawakkul & yakeen towards your beloved Rabb.

So what can you do while waiting for what you prayed for?

Recent discussion on my all sisters community, AA Plus, we touched on this particular topic. There are 4 things we can do while waiting…

  1. Active Patience – Put in the effort in finding solutions while waiting. Do not stagnate
  2. Beautiful Patience – Have Yakeen and never give up in the Du’a, as Allah hears all
  3. Selfless Patience – To be in service to the people around you while you wait
  4. Explorative Patience – Taking this opportunity to learn more about yourself and Allah SWT

Easier said than done don’t you think? I know, i know. Trust me, i know.

Dear friends, I pray that He gives you the strength. For whatever you have been praying for which is yet to be manifested, may He give you the strength to continue praying and do not loose hope. Trust in His timing, for what is meant for you will never miss you.

‘..endure with beautiful patience (fasobirun jameel)’ – (Quran 12:18)

land of the rising sun

I’ve been missing Japan a lot lately. Mostly I think it’s because visiting it this year was part of the plan. Then again, we plan and Allah plans.

I miss it so much, one day while at work I open up google map. Type in the name of the train station nearest to where I used to live, Minami-senri, click street view, 360 and walk along the roads until I reach my Uni dorm.

Yes, it was that severe of missing Japan like my heart is going to burst. I walk along the roads again until I see the Lawson convenience store I would usually pass on my way to Aeon Supermarket. I didn’t realized it was that far to Aeon until I googled map it. But mostly it was because I enjoyed my walks along that path a bit too much.

Experiencing the season change from Spring to Summer, Autumn and Winter, the trees full of cherry blossoms, to yellow summer flowers, autumn maple leaves and snow falling in the winter. my wanderlust heart was always overjoyed.

I think I miss the feeling to explore too. Mindlessly walking through paths not knowing where you might end up to. I got to do a lot of this in Japan. Randomly meeting strangers and striking a conversation like ‘今日いい天気ですね?’ (The weather today is nice, isn’t it?) Discovering a huge 360 bookstore on top of a building, in awe of just anything new that comes in sight…ahh I miss that.

I really just miss you, 日本