Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me – Imam Al-Ghazali
Confession: Some days, it’s just really hard to be positive. I now understand how some people can fake smiles in front of others while they struggle with themselves deep inside. It was a sudden trigger to me when I came across a 15 secs vid of a little girl saying ‘Is the sun awake? Are you happy?’ Such an innocent words coming from a kid but it caught me off guard.
Because honestly, am I actually happy? Then why do i pause and hesitate to answer. Even worst, why can’t I answer.
Sometimes…. I wonder if I’m a hoax, for saying I am grateful to God and still struggle with the state of my heart. Then an email came from A which includes the above quote by Imam Al-Ghazali, and I breathed slightly easier. Few days later, my best friend P wrote a post on her blog, something about her late night thought process and I shall quote,
“Whatever that seem to work on others, dont work on you. You are left with no choice but to discover a whole new one that allows you to feel alive, to feel worthy of living. Day by day, there seems to be lesser and lesser things to look forward to. You are grateful you wake up but you dont know exactly for what you do.”
Basically she explains life as a system that we wire ourselves to follow, that technically should work for most of us in general. However, not everyone follows through this system accordingly at every stage of life. Some just finds themselves failing at one stage of the system or just failing the system entirely.
We all struggle in our own ways, it’s easy to succumbed in your negative thoughts and blame the system. Let me quote P again, “There is no one to blame, no comparisons to weigh our different ways of living. We are all somehow a product of certain circumstances. But tell me though, do we want to stay living as a product of circumstances or do we want to pursue life as what we want and as what we know we are capable of without all the past decisions that have helped grow us?”
After reading that, I breathed even more easier. Who cares about the system, we shouldn’t have set our minds to be played by it. It’s about time we unfollow the flow.
A reminder to myself that before I get frustrated and complain about anything, remember that I would never fully know what and where Allah has placed goodness in. As we always pray for the best in everything, insha’Allah there is khayr in wherever you may be in life right now.
Heart work is hard work.
The key word is, try and try again.